


Dark Thoughts

by DarkWolfMistress



Series: Pious Sin [5]
Category: Hellsing
Genre: Cutting, Gen, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, suicidal ideations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 02:29:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13424811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkWolfMistress/pseuds/DarkWolfMistress
Summary: Anderson, alone starts to overthink and takes advantage of his regeneration.





	Dark Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, this has some dark themes. I'm not doing good today. Please note I am not responsible for your mental well-being. This oneshot is heavy on the suicidal thoughts and self harm. I will get graphic at times. Please do not read if this is a touchy subject for you.

Anderson was in one of Iscariot's many safe houses. The Vatican had them littered all over the world to keep hotel expenses down. Prior to missions, the local priest of nuns would stock the pantry and refrigerator of food and drink. the blond paladin was alone on a weeklong mission. He had gotten into a fight with Maxwell, words were said, and they had both been hurt. Maxwell not wanting to see or hear from him sent him to the middle east to take care of a small sect of Islamic Extremists. It was not something the paladin did, he dealt with monsters and heretics within the church. Yumiko and Heinkel usually dealt with outside threats to the Church. The paladin sighed and laid back in the bed. He was stuck in this God forsaken town until the leader came out of the mountains for supplies. He was strike quickly and not cause a scene. It would not be too difficult, after all he was an assassin. He was just use to being violent and aggressive, he had to take this slow.

He had to remember what it was like to be a lion stalking his prey. It was something he had not done in many years. He almost wished Maxwell would have sent him into Eastern Europe to take care of the large vampire covens there. No, he would have been done quickly compared to this. The paladin checked his phone for the fifth time that night. Nothing. No call. No text messages. He flipped his phone closed and gently tossed it on the floor with his shirt and shoes. He sat up and thought about eating. He did not have the appetite.

He rested his elbows on his knees and laid his head in his hands. The heels of his palms dig into his eyes as h started to remember the argument.

It was not that bad. It was just a bad day for them. They had both gotten busy, both were stressed. Enrico was dealing with the Cardinals demanding more and more from Iscariot, Anderson was dealing with the work load of those demands. He was still a man. He still needed rest, food, he still needed support from his lover. Enrico just piled on the missions. He was able to handle it. He was the strongest paladin, he was the back bone of the fighting forced. He was just beginning to get drained. He had been tired. He had gone to the office to give his report. He smiled when he saw that Enrico was not on the phone. He came up to him for a kiss and instead was given another mission. He snapped. He had said things that he regretted almost instantly, but he was already angry. They were both yelling. Enrico had slapped him.

He had called his lover a spoiled bastard. A spoiled bastard that did not understand what he was going through. Enrico had retorted back.

_At least I'm not a monster that only knows how to kill like you._

He was given this mission. He was sent away. He was sobbing in his hands. He did not mean to take it that far. He had tried to apologize before he left. Enrico just treated him like a normal Iscariot underling. His message was heard loud and clear. He was a monster and he was not wanted.

He lifted his face from his hands and looked at them. Callouses and scars. Rough. There was not a day that he was not working in the garden or using tools or fighting. He did not see hands though, he saw the paws of a monster. He hiccupped as he tried to hold back the sobbing. He was breaking. He had been strong for too long. His mental fortitude was shattering. Three weeks straight of fight. A week of almost no sleep. No coping mechanism. He wanted to tell Enrico that he needed to take a break. The bishop knew that he had PTSD. He knew that Anderson needed time to decompress if he requested it. The bishop knew that his anger was not directed at him. He was mad at the Cardinals. Mad at the Pope for not heeding Enrico’s warnings about the covens.

The paladin began to go on autopilot. He did not know when he summoned a bayonet, but it was in his hand. He played with the sharp edge and watched the skin of his thumb split open. Blood started to tickle down the blessed blade. He felt the sting of it, but it was tolerable. He watched as the skin stitched itself together.

He took the blade and ran it against his wrist. He watched as the blood ran down his forearm. Before the wound could close, he dug his fingers into it. He twisted the bloody flesh until it made him scream in pain. He watched as his skin stitched back together.

No.

He began to stab his arm, slicing the veins until the shirts and his pants were soak in his blood. He wanted to feel the faintness of blood loss. He wanted to die. He wanted to hurt. He did not want to be him. He did not want to be the sword of Iscariot. He just wanted peace. He wanted to be a priest. He wanted to be with Enrico. He was tired. He cried out for God to give him mercy as he cut his wrists.

He was curled out on the bed, in a puddle of his own blood. The blood loss never came. He fell asleep crying.

He woke up to the sound of his phone buzzing on the hardwood floor. He pulled himself up to grab it.

“’ello?” He answered the call with a tired voice.

< Alex? >

“Enrico?” He sat up a little more as he started to wipe his eyes clean of the cried tears and blood.

< Have you completed the mission? >

Anderson for a moment thought he was going to talk about something else. He sighed in defeat. “Nae, he still has nae come back ta town. Ah still hae ta wait a few more days…”

< Well…Heinkel and Yumiko are coming to relieve you. I… I need you here. >

“Enrico?”

< I’m sorry. I know that you need to decompress. I know you weren’t mad at me. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize you were that bad. I’ve been so busy…. > The paladin began to sob on the phone. He could not handle it. He heard his young lover try to calm him down. < I’m at the safe house in Rome. Come home Alex… >

“E-enrico, a-ah…”

< Alex… Breathe. Come over and I’ll help you calm down. >

The paladin hung up the phone and grabbed his vestments and shirt. He used his bible pages to teleport to the safe house in Rome. He prayed that Yumiko and Heinkel did not question the blood on the bed. He appeared in the living room of the safe house. He looked at Enrico, still crying and covered in his own blood. Enrico recognized what happened and hugged him, crying as well.

“Alex I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to do this to you.”

That night Anderson just sobbed into Enrico’s lap. The strong paladin breaking in his lover’s arms as the young bishop petted his hair and soothed him.


End file.
